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I had already fell down and now got hit on the head with the beladi ladder. How much more worst can it be?

Ash told me his company would stop paying his salary soon. They are going to award him with unpaid leave for the rest of his medical leave. How much more bad news do we have to get before we could have sunshine again? He's talking about downgrading to a 3-room flat. I told him to ask his older brother to work. We really could afford to let him stay here for free. And I decided to go home once the fasting month starts. Ash refused to let me go but I told him we ain't got no choice. I spent too much money on the bus fares to and fro and by going back, we could a little extra cash.

I know he's worried and how I wish I could do something more to ease his worries. I wanted to cry but I want to appear strong for him. He's lying on the bed in his brother's room and I think he might have shed a few tears in the darkness. He's a proud man - he won't let us see his tears.

He did say dia nak try to apply for DPS (dependents' protection scheme) which amounted to $1000. It may not be much but it helps. We could not really depend on anybody in times like these...even if the people are our own siblings. I'm just not happy that his sister could not help financially when she obviously could. Apparently she forgot all about the sacrifices her broher made for her during her school years.

Will tomorrow be a better day for him? For us? I don't know *sigh*

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Not going to work tomolo. Accompanying Ash to his doctor's appointment. We are a little short on cash and I insisted he asked his sister for help. I should have known better. her answer no money. Think about it. Her monthly salary combined with her hubby's is more than I got paid a year. Aku rasa macam nak fak dia upside down but I reminded myself that she's not yet my sister-in-law muahahahahaha.

I just think dorang ni semua lupa laki aku dah tak keje. His company just paid him his salary and that's it. No OT, no allowance, nothing. Mana cukup. My own pay is barely enough for Jurong side.

I wish one of these days I would win lottery big time. Ribu-ribu bintang mari muahahahahaha. Don't know when I'll get my 30% of my Sengkang flat. My lawyer is dealing with that. It'll be great if I got some payment before hari raya ni *sigh*

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It is so true. When you are beautiful/handsome. people treat you better than those ugly ones. I admit I sometimes tend to be that way but once I know the ugly ones, they are all right. Most better than the ones with the looks.

I ain't good looking even if people thought I was when they look at my photos. Of course lah aku kasi korang tengok muka aku yang mana aku rasa jembu. yang tak jembu aku gi letak kat yahoo profile aku buat pe sial?

It's goddamn tiring to be someone else's material for jokes. Making fun of yourself is fine but when people humiliate you in chatrooms that is just too much. How can I ever have high self-esteem or confidence if everywhere I go, everybody keeps doing that? Ash said I shouldn't degrade myself but if I don't do that, somebody else would. Just the other day someone said I'm a model for toothpaste. Oh you might think that's nice. It's not. It's sarcasm at its best. The worst thing is that it came from someone I always thought as a friend. That is what hurts most - insults from people you thought of as friends. If they were strangers, nobody you ever met or know, that's ok. But friends...they should know better.

Maybe the bitch is right. I should get braces. But how much will that cost me? Money is too tight to mention lah right now. Anybody knows how much roughly?

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It has been a while since my last bout of depression kan? I'm having one right now. I t doesn't come out of the blue like it usually did. It came bubbling from deep inside, dissatisfaction that I wish I could have told you without us having yelling sessions.

Where do I start? The other day I left you a note telling you briefly what I felt the last couple of days. I thought if you knew, you would have understood the reasons why I was demanding at one time, childish the next. i thought you read it. Maybe you did...maybe you didn't. The point is nothing changes. You are still being you and by being you, I still feel neglected.

Are you having doubts about me? Don't you find me lovable anymore? Are you bored with me? I know some questions I had asked repeatedly but I really want to know. I can live without luxury but I can't live knowing the person I am in love doesn't feel the same way anymore. I can't live without love.

It is almost as if I am repeating my life with my ex all over again. He put other people's comfort first. You...What wax wrong with me being home just a little bit late? It's not like I'm home late all the time. I know your brother is picking up his son and need some cash for the EZ link but it's not my fault if the feeder bus was late, isn't it? You wouldn't have bothered too much if it was me waiting. When I told you last night I thought I had a slight fever, I didn't want you to hear you say " makan panadol lah ma". It reminded too much of my ex who said the same thing when I fell sick when all I neeed was a little bit pampering. Are you gonna be like him?

As I walked back home to your place, the feeling was so like the one I had when I was going home to my parents' home. i was practically dragging my feet. I was thinking what is the point of me coming home to you each night when you just can't be bothered to have some quality time with me? We don't do things together anymore. We don't go out. We stop going to the movies, stop all the window shopping. You seldom want to hold my hand when we do go out - to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, bill payments trips. You no longer willingly hold me in bed. Your excuse because of your stroke, it's a little difficult. It's not as if both your hands are immobiled kan? Why not tell it straight in my face you sick and tired of looking at my face every single day and night for 2 months. I could anytime return home and leave you in peace. That isn't what you want but by staying here, I felt as if my presence here is unnecessary...menyemakkan umah...menyusahkan your entire family.

Now you are keeping silent. I didn't know whether you are angry with me for making your brother wait ke...or is there some other reasons. You know how much I hated being made invisible by you. You are so clever in making feel miserable without uttering a single damn word.

I am so tired. If you are over me say so. Sure it hurts but not knowing is even worse.

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I am going somewhere but it's downhill. I don't know what I am getting into but the feeling is nice. I feel so dangerously alive and it has been a while since I felt this way. I don't know how long it is gonna last but I will enjoy it while it lasts...in spite of the risks, in spite of the guilt I felt.