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I didn't know you feel the way you did until you told me early this morning. Here I thought you didn't mind I woke you up each morning to kiss me goodbye, smiling at me before I set off for work. And when you told me. you made it sound as if you were doing forced labour. You told me in anger that actually you really don't have to open your eyes. If I wanted to go to work, I should just go.

I don't know if you realise how much you hurt me with those cutting words of yours. You always manage to do that, you know. I am not digging up the past. Everything I did all this time is of my own choice but I did almost anything for you. Even to the point of leaving my parents behind just to be with you. If you were given a choice, you will never choose me as your first priority.

You know how much I hate to sleep alone. I woke at about 2 to find you not beside me. You were quietly pottering away on the computer while watching a soccer match. You know how I felt about these soccer matches. Soccer has always been the sore point in my relationships. It destroyed my first marriage because my x hubby spent most of his income on stupid Manchester United souvenirs and jerseys and what have you. With you, I am trying to understand that you need something to excite you so I gave way when you watch EPL matches early in the morning. I wouldn't mind so much if you had at least not ignored me. Just like my x, the tv is much more enticing to you than me. When I woke up, you expected me to close my eyes and continue sleeping. I am not able to do that when you are not there to hug me as I doze off. I am not you.

It is so beladi unfair that you could get work up about my behaviour but I couldn't get angry with the things you do. It was at the tip of my tongue to just scream out my grudges but I know, it only enrages you further. And so I bite my tongue and shut up, and just cry. That's all I can do - cry. My tears don't melt you. You are too hard-hearted for all that crap.

You left the room in a huff after calling me a cheebai. I used to swear at my x but with you, I don't. I respect you too much to do that but it seems as if you don't give me the same courtesy do you? I don't like making scenes with your mother and brother just outside the door. Whatever grievances we had, we should have kept it in the room and between the two of us but when you flounced off like that, I am pretty sure your mother was going to ask you questions and I think she did. I don't know what you told her.

I am by nature not a patient person. When you get angry, I try not to add fire to your fury but it is so difficult when I feel wronged. I asked myself many times what did I do to make you so irritated sometimes. I thought you knew me well. When I am in a difficult mood, you should have known that all I need was your attention - your undivided attention.

Since you were discharged from the hospital, there are times when I feel so lonely even when you were there beside me. I always believe that communication is an important criteria in any relationships. You sit down and tell me when was the last time we lie in bed cuddling and talking about our future or telling stories about work, or our families or whatever? Why do you think I work my ass off these few weeks? I was bored and being home with you doesn't make it any less so.

I told you I want to go home. I want us to be apart so there will be less arguements, less tantrums on my part but you wouldn't let me go. What is the reason you hold me back I don't know. Companionship? You never alone at home. Somebody to serve you? Your mom could a better job than me. Bathe you? You could that by yourself now. So is my presence necessary here?

When you said the things you said, it finally came to me that my stay is long overdued. I don't own this house and you are still not mine. You are just my fiance. Ever think about what life would be like with me? I told you before living with me is not easy but you didn't listen.

After what happened, I'm scared. I don't want my marriage to be like the previous one or like what my parents' had. I am a prefectionist. I want to be the best in whatever I do. Failure is not an option. But when I do fail, I feel so low. I don't really know whether your declarations of love are real or just words to soothe my ruffled feathers. What I feel for you is real. Even when I was mad at you, I love you still.

I packed up my clothes this morning. I would have walked out on you if I had the cash or if your mother and brother was not around. Like I said, I don't like making scenes in front of them. I look at my engagement ring and I wanted to slide it off my fingers. Leaving you is not easy. My head says go but my heart refuses to obey.

I just have to wait and see what happens next when you wake up. No, I won't expect you to apologise. You never would. I gave up that idea long ago. You always manage to make me feel lousy after every goddamn tiff. Maybe I am in the wrong but you are not without faults either. The difference being I can admit I was wrong but you can't and won't.

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@0650

Kids nowadays are becoming prettier and handsomer I can't stop
wishing I was 15 years younger but with the face I have, most probably I will fade into the bcakground like I did during my school years. I don't mind flirting with the boys. They thought I am 10 years younger than my actual age but the girls...I look at the pretty ones with distrust while I pity the ugly ones. I never thought I say this but i do wish sometimes I was back in school. Life was so much easier then except for harmless infatuation, unreciprocated love, not belonging to the popular clique, bitchy friends, endless homework, boring teachers. Geez bila ingat balik...macam manyak pulak problem muahahahahahaha.

@2030

I smsed my good friend asking how she was. It has been a while since I last saw her, at wu Bar if I'm not mistaken. She has been asking me about my impending wedding. Aizzzzz aku sendiri pun tak tau bila aku nak dinikahkan. As soon as he is almost back to his mobile self, then and only then I can concentrate on our wedding preparations. I'm slightly excited because 2 of my buddies are planiing it with minumum cost incurred where possible

It used to matter a lot to me whether somebody, anybody reads my blog but not anymore. Nak baca, baca lah. Tak nak pun tak pe. All I can is that in spite of the depressing entries, there are some hilarious ones too.

I wonder what happen to Ritz? Mampos siak tu anak - tak kol aku, tak e mel aku, tak message aku kat MSN. Aku rasa dia pun tak tau yang akud ah tykar url. Terkial-kial tu anak cari blog aku muahahahahahaha.

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Wat an airhead!

Maybe I was being a bitch but I can't seem to like you. Not since the first time I met you. I can't say I have psychic powers or anything like that but I trust my instinct implicitly especially when I met somebody new.

I don't hate you personally. I seldom hate anybody but I dislike you. You go round asking people whether you are pretty or not. You give me the impression that you a bimbo. I asked Ash few times before about your "kejembuan" and his answer pleased me a lot. He said " apa yang jambu sangat? Muka macam dia tu kalau kat mana-mana bersepah". But that is of course his opinion which is not shared by many other guys. Most see your pretty face.

Sure you are pretty with make up on. Remove all that crap on your face and ask your admirers again. Aku gerenti jawapannya " mak ko...muka tak mekap macam tempek basi sial" muahahahahahahaha.

Such a waste. So young yet...so un22...or it 21? I can't remember but you are so young and you prove to me what an air head you are countless times. Too bad you ain't blond.

Do I sound jealous? Maybe I am pasal aku ni jamban. But I really think people would comment on your beauty without being asked. Anyway ko tu bukannya jambu sangat. Aku rasa konek Ash lagi jembu muahahahahaha

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I never thought of myself as being selfish and materialistic before but after last night that was what the impression I gave to you. I finally drove you to tears with all my whining and bitching.

If you ask me what is it I want from you, I don't think I can give you the answer that satisfy you...or myself. I don't know what I am asking from you. I just love to provoke you and those people who are close to me. Making mountains out of molehills - that's my favourite part. Having drama in my otherwise dull life - that's another sick hobby of mine. It all comes down to the fact that I am lonely. Why you think I have been creating storms when there is no rain?

Oh hell yeah you think how can I be lonely with friends around and you beside me? You know I don't have much friends especially now when you need me. And you...Even when we are together, I feel alone because you much prefer the company of the idiot box. The tv doesn't nag, doesn't sulk, doesn't yell at you, doesn't answer back, doesn't throw tantrums, doen't give you mental torture. Boy, do I give you lots of mental torture.

It's a wonder how you can tolerate me all these times. I want to go home not because I want to but because I have to. With your therapy consultations, your massage sessions, you need the cash and I am proving to be the one who is draining our finances. I spent too much money with all that travelling from work to our house. You never really told me the reasons why you want me here anyway. It would be nice if you did because I want to know that you need me just as much as I need you. But of course, because you are a man, you won't reveal your weakness. I wish you did. I love you in spite of your faults.

I'm sorry.