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Damn you! I really wanted to spend time with you but u prefer the company of others. Fine with me. I have always felt as if you used me - when you are bored, when you need someone beside you...only then u call me up. That's ok. You are not the first one to do that. Am I angry? Maybe I am. I'm feeling more betrayed than angry. We are supposed to be friends but I feel as if you are leaving me in the ditch. I'm sorry for acting exactly like a sour grape but I could not help myself. It's really hard to keep friends around you when you are in the red.

Don't call me. At least not now. I need time to cool off. One thing I don't easily forgive is betrayal. That's what I felt then...and still feel now.

Thank God for you papa You have always been my pillar of strength. You were always there for me in good and bad times. You were there to share my joy and you were there when I'm broke. And I am always broke It's hard to sleep without you beside me. I am so used to sleeping in your arms. To make me feel as if I am still in your arms, I hug and kiss the pillows you lay your head on earlier this afternoon. I have always love your masculine smell. Don't ask me why but you smell nice even when you didn't bath This must be love.

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Due to inevitable circumstances, the Tha Wu Bar trip which is scheduled for tonight is postponed to a later date. A much much later date. For updates on the next trip please stay tune to this blogger.

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I think about my life for the past 12 months and this are what came up in my mind

1. I got older
2. I lost a friend but I gain another friend
3. I dumped 2 guys and got myself a fiance (I love u papa!!)
4. I lost a brother
5. I lost my favourite cat *sighs*
6. I got tailongs from Courts breathing down my neck
7. I got a job with low pay but I love it anyway...and it supported my family since my brother "died"
8. I still haven't managed to control my temper
9. Obssessed about blogging but weaning slowly off chatting
10. Beginning to dislike romance novels because it gives me false hope and it is always about the same plot. Girl meet boy, boy and girl don't like each other, girl in trouble and boy rescues her, they have sex and the girl is a virgin, misunderstanding or tragedy struck them both, they make up and have sex again. Give me pornographic literature anytime babey. It's more real

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The Withered Lover


What sign of the Black Zodiac are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
I have been taken for granted but not from outsiders


Old. You'll have a long (happy?) life and you'll
die at a very elderly age. Like 80 or
something. Nothing to roll your eyes at, eh?
Probably from a disease or something. You
wanted to die young, because you're a bit of a
slug and don't have many goals, but you never
get what you want.


At what age will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla
I would say I don't often get what I want but life is never fair. Can I not die but be a vampire instead?


Sorry, you're not cut out to be an angel. But if
you picked Heath Ledger, at least you have good
taste in men!


Which of Charlie's Angels are you???
brought to you by Quizilla
laughing my ass off

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I was relaxed just now without a worry in my pretty head...until I saw the memo Courts gave my mother which she put on the table in my room. I gotta pay the full amount or else...or else they repossess my pc. The beladi pc is not even in this house. It's at the asshole's house...if he hadn't thrown it away lah. Gotta give them a call tomorrow and discuss about the payment. I don't have much money to spare. I could pay them $100 per month - take it or leave it. Ash said if the leeches ask for more, ask them to pay first I hope I don't bungle during the conversation. I'm afraid that I might just blow my top and maderfakker them till they hung up on me. Some Courts employees are nice but there are some rotten apples who think they are better than me. So what if I can't afford to pay cash for the things I bought? At least I don't lick people's asses till my tongue is raw

A gal pal sabo me on the phone. Forced me to say hepi besdey to her bro. I almost hung up on him but I didn't. Hepi besdey Firdaus May u stay away from being a ska punk kid

Today I laugh because tomorrow I might cry

This is a public announcement. I need $1800. If anyone has got money to burn, please don't be shy to loan/give the money to me I will appreaciate it very much. I will of course pay you back albeit slowly if you agree to loan that cash to me. And you will have a loyal friend for life. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

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Jeng jeng jeng...After so long of being bitchy, I'm being broke now. Tired you know being the bitch for the last couple of weeks I'm back at my place where I can blog peacefully without interruptions. I was going to blog one long grandmother's story yesterday but one monkey disturbed me lah so I cut short my bebelan.

I'm sorry kiddo for being harsh with you yesterday but I didn't want you to waste your youth being a lazy bum. Even your uncle was not as concerned about you as I am and he was supposed to be like your father figure. I'm ok with you. I thought of you more like my sister or most probably my daughter. I am worried that you don't pay much attention in your studies as you should. You prefer watching tv then reading a book. I don't tolerate kids who talk back to the elders. If you were my blood you would have taste my pelaying slap more than once. I just want what's good for you. You could be anything you want have anything you want with adequate education. I hope you won't flunk your exams this year. It's getting tougher as you get older. I don't even had it that tough when I was in school. I love you...even when it seems I do nothing but snap at you. Study hard ok girl??

Oh...I did some executive marketing job just now. Filled up the fridge just a bit. At least until my payday. Berat siak barang. Macam nak tercabut tangan aku.

Can't wait for Saturday to come. I have yet to receive any answer about who's coming. Someone from Yahoo smsed me two days ago, inviting me to go Boom Boom Room. Much as I love Kumar the drag queen, sitting around expanding my butt size, sipping my drink femininely, laughing at corny jokes just ain't my scene. I would very much prefer jumping around like a monkey who had just escaped from the zoo. Hip hop rulez man!!!

Been a while since I read the bloggers' blogs. Guess I have to do it now.

Emmm...am I too old to play the drums?? I have always wanted to play the drums. Tak boleh hentak pala orang aku hentak drum lah buat music

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I got lots of things to say but the minute I want to blog, my mind just went blank. Must be because of the fact that I am at Ash's place. I have always felt I have no privacy to blog in here. Mana lah tau si Ash nak tengok apa lah bini dia nyenyeh kat sini kan. Thank God his eyes are potek

I am totally absolutely definitely broke but tomorrow I will have a little bit of money to get me by until my payday.

Suddenly mood aku nak blog hilang...

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I was thinking about blogging semalam but my brain too brain dead to blog anything.

Met a gal pal last night. We sat at the Coffee Bean like we always do. I bought her a drink . It was always her buying so I thought this time I paid for the mocha ice blend for once. Like always when we met, we joked and gossiped . I think that is women's favourite hobby - to gossip. Anyway...we are going to P-A-R-T-Y come this 31st May. We are going clubbing. I'm so excited because we are going to a club we have never been before - Tha Wu bar. Anybody who has information about this place, please tag me. I need to know the exact price of cover charges, drinks etc etc etc. Anybody who wants to join pun can tag me. I would love to meet you but this apply to the ladies only. If any of you guys want to follow, better bring a female partner. Me and my gal pal looking for new blood for our clubbing memberz.

Had a tiff with Ash while I was at his place. Yeah yeah I can hear you think " this bitch is always having a tiff with the fiance" but he was such a jerk that time. I was at his place from Monday night till Wednesday evening. He spent both nights sleeping, the jackass. The first night I was obliging. I knew how tired he was so I let him sleep in peace. The second night he pissed me off. Here I was, going home early just to be with him, he prefer the company of his damn pillows. I couldn't sleep well. I was that mad. On Wednedday morning he woke up early, trying to make me horny and because I was angry, I was lying there like a log. I guess I was that obvious and I knew he was trying to make it up with me for not spending time with me. I was crying of course (when did I not cry?). He told me to stop crying. He said he was sorry for sleeping instead of spending quality time with me. You know how difficult it is to hear him admitting he was in the wrong? He is that pig-headed sometimes but I still love him. The making out session was good. It was always good after a fight muahahahahahahaha.

Have to go. Another day at the workplace. Aizzzzzzzzzzzz

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Today is one of the most depressingly low moments in my life. I don't even have the energy to go to work. Feel so tired and miserable . I pray to God to give me strength and the will to work if not for me than for my family. They needed me more than ever. Then and only then was I able to drag myself out of the bed into the shower.

My mom was depressed too ...maybe even more than me. She thinks about her husband who can never be well and be what he used to be. She thinks about her two children who are not on speaking terms. She thinks about her life which seems to be without unhappiness. She thinks about money which she could never have enough. I wanted to talk to her yesterday when she was moping around but I don't think I can handle her emotional outburst then. I never could. I wanted to tell her I'm sorry that I couldn't give her what she deserve. I wanted to tell her that everything is going to be all right. I wanted to tell her I wish I could make her life better. When she is sad, I felt guilty. I wish I could give her more. I couldn't even buy her cigarrettes. I couldn't put cash in her hands. All the money I have is all for the bills and groceries.

You know something...I wish I'm with Ash now. He's my haven from all these depressing thoughts. I want to be with him. He soothes me. He calms me. He makes me feel safe from the world. He makes me forget. He makes me feel loved. He makes me feel beautiful when in actual fact I'm not. He makes me feel good about living.

Told him about my mother hinting about having next to nothing to cook. His advance pay is in two day's time. Mine in 13. He said let's see how later. I told him don't buy anything if he doesn't have the cash. I have nothing but sympathy for him right now. He has to take care of two homes since he met me. How can I not love him when he's so good for me and my soul? I overlook all his faults because his goodness covers all his badness. If I never tell you enough eh papa...I love you. I love you so goddamn much I can't imagine my life without you. Living without you is like living without having my heart beating. Dead. That's what I feel. I love you and don't you forget that. Not even for a minute.

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What is the fun of blogging if everything is so stagnant? I read one blog. I got lost in there because that blogger's language is way too bombastic for my poor mind to understand. I got low IQ you know. It was just unnatural for someone to relate their day in such a way. It's like reading a newspaper column about politics. Same result - I got lost. Another blog is so religious and pious I think my computer gave out smoke. Me n computer are of the same mentality. Religion can kills us just like that .

Gotta link some other devilish blogs.

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I introduced a guy to a gal pal. She asked me how come I was so nice. Wat de fak Selama ni aku tak nice ke? I just thought she could be friends with the guy. I thought he was ok…so far. I’m not stingy with friends so nothing wrong with sharing kan. I don’t like people questioning my motives because when I thought of doing something for them I don’t have any.

Aku tunggu sekor lembu ni dari pagi tadi. Dia online pukul 4 lebih. Kaninabueychaucibai betul Aku tengah panas dia lagi boleh buat kelakar. Ain’t funny lah monkey face

Yesterday I got misty-eyed thinking abt my grandpa . I miss the old man. Miss his cigarettes smell, miss his stories, miss sitting beside him, miss holding his hands. Ntah eh napa aku tetiba teringatkan dia. May he be in peace wherever he is now.

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If you can't do what u had promised to do, then stop fakking promise lah nabey. I got a fakking headache just waiting for you. Ain't gonna wait for you anymore.

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One Minute Man by Missy Elliot featuring Ludacris

Ooooooh,
I don't want
I don't need
I can't stand no minute man
I don't want no minute man
Ooooooh, here's your chance
be a man
take my hand
understand
I don't want no minute man

Boy I'ma make you love me, make you want me
And I'ma give you some attention, tonight
Now follow my intuitions, what you're wishin
See I'ma keep you all night, for a long time
Just start countin the ways


Break me off, show me what you got
Cause I don't want, no one minute man

Tonight I'ma give it to you, throw it to you
I want you to come prepared, ohhh yeah
Boy it's been a long time, a crazy long time
And I don't want no minute man, and that's real
Give it to me some more

Yeah, uhh, uhh
It's time to set yo' clock back
bout as long as you can
I stop daylight and
Ludacris the maintenance man
Get your oil changed,
I check fluids and transmission
You one minute FOOLS,
you wonder why y'all missin
On the back of milk cartons
and there's no reward
No regards, close
but it's no cigar
A hard head make a soft ass,
but a hard dick make the sex last
I jump in pools and make a big splash
Water overflowin,
so get your head right
It's all in yo' mind punk so
keep your head tight
Enough with tips and
advice and thangs
I'm big dog, havin women
seein stripes and thangs
They go to sleep, start snorin,
countin sheep and shit
They so wet, that they
body start to leak and shit
Just cause I'm an ALL-nighter,
shoot ALL fire
Ludacris, balance and
rotate ALL tires


My Ash is definitely NOT a one minute man. He satisfies me first...all the time. Betul tak papa?

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Just came back from spending quality time with my baby. He called me at around 7:45 am while I was busy dreaming away . He told me to come and meet at our usual place. He said he was giving me an escape route away from my life. At least for a while. How sweet! Mother-in-law not around and I told him firmly I ain't gonna cook. I had done enough of traumatising myself and torturing him with my cooking . So we went to have breakfast at McDonald's. He planned to have a McDonald's lunch but later at home, he went and ransacked the kitchen and found some other things to eat. Ohhh he bought himself a watch because his Seiko watch is starting to be just a little tight. Maklum baby aku makin membesar pe. The new Swatch watch cost $18 with dark blue sun glasses thrown in as an offer. Cool huh? He would definitely look macho and handsome .

Watched some TV and told him specifically not to rub himself against me but no point of trying to stop a sex maniac muahahahahahahaha. Before long we were ehem ehem . No make out no fun maaaaaaa.

When I got home I found 3 couch potatoes having conversation with the TV . I found it weird they could sit staring at that box for like 22 hours of the day . But it's weirder still sitting in front of the computer and talking to yourself isn't it??

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You are Jubilee!

Though you may be young and inexperienced, you have
great potential and will someday become an
admirable figure. For that to happen, though,
you must overcome your juvenile belief system
and adopt a more mature view on life.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla
Jubilee plak. I much prefer to be the female version of Wolverine lah

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Came back from a two-person gathering at 9:30 pm tadi muahahahahahaha...We gossiped and bitched about...erkkk everybody lah. My gal pal tend to be distracted. Maklum kat sebelah ada jantan-jantan dok lepak. Too young for me. Maybe just right for her. So to have her with me body, mind and soul, I let her conquer the conversation. Nasib baik dia nyer pat keje tak lah jauh sangat dari umah aku. we could do this fairly often when I'm bored and when she has some time to spare. Dia tanya aku pehal semalam buang tebiat. Aku pun tak tau. One of those depressing moments in my life. Tak larat aku nak hepi-hepi.

Am thinking about going clubbing at the end of this month. She told me at Double O a jug of something cost about $12. Fuhhhhhhhh I can get drunk very fast lah like that and cheap too. Wonder if that price is only applicable for ladies' nights...or is it for every night of the week huh . Anybody with relevant information please tag me on my board. Appreciate that very de much.

My personal web designer letakkan gambar aku laki bini on the site. I know it's kinda small but dia kata kalau gambar tu besar, it'll be blurry nanti korang nyer mata potek plak. Nevermind. I'm still waiting for her to scan my pic wearing my $6 bikini top with my baby. Her scanner is MIA muahahahahahaha. Ntah sapa lah gi sembunyikan dia nyer opis scanner.

Before I met my gal pal tadi, aku singgah kat library jap. I'm so sick of the books there. Sume citer lap-lap . Boring sial aku. Cinta sana sex sini. Aku pinjam buku Agatha Christie and starting to read Anne Rice nyer buku. Dah tarak buku aku nak gi baca. I'm into true crime stories - kes bunuh-bunuh ni aku memang minat. Bloodthirsty gitu aku muahahahahahaha. Tengah sambil chat and blogging.

Don't think aku bleh pakai coli. Macam alergik gitu. Tergarok-garok aku macam anak berok . Tak payah pakai pun ok. Tetek aku pun bukan besar mana. Ada lah sket-sket macam begedel muahahahahahahaha. Betul tak papa? But u love me anyway kan papa

Tengah kemarok smiley. So obvious huh muahahahahahahaha

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:: how nintendo are you? ::

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I was woken up from my beauty sleep at about 1 am by someone sniffling and whispering in a loud voice.It was the twat chatting on the phone. Hope it wasn't a girl. If it was, she's in for a roller coaster ride. He should be banned from having any emotional or sexual relationships with anyone. He's the male version of Glenn Close in her movie Fatal attraction

Anyhow somebody is in a good mood today. Ash woke me up at 5:45 without me having to tell him to. I'm very suspicious. I asked him and he said "saje je ma...because I miss you". Yeah right as if I would you eh papa Sure I wanna hear you say those words but after making me quite upset yesterday, it came just a little late isn't it? You can't be feeling guilty because you seldom are. Definitely not apologising because you were almost never in the wrong. Even if you were, you would rather cut off your tongue than saying you were sorry.

Don't think I want to call you later. Maybe I just call your mother to wake up you up huh? Nanti your mother kata "tepon dia kat handphone lah" with her voice telling me how unhappy she was with me pestering her to disturb your sleep. See how lah later. See how nice you would be to me.

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I'm in my room in the dark as always waiting for something to happen. I don't know what but I'm waiting for the twat to say something or his mom to start nagging. I have been away at Ash's place since Tuesday night and just got back home today. She did come into my room a while ago but I pretended as if I didn't notice. I guessed she must be worried because I had diverted my handphone to the voicemail. No point telling her I won't be coming home. I would get scolding whether I told her or not. So I didn't inform her. Might as well get a lecture about that.

I'm so tired. I don't have the mood to chat in the rooms or even with my friends. Am just too tired too bored for all that. Even when my buddy who had been MIA since 2 weeks (I think) messaged me, I didn't have the strength to be happy. It was his birthday yesterday. HAPPY BESDEY RITZ!!!

I really am tired and not in the mood.

Papa...you are wasting your time calling me just to ask what I am doing. I'm upset at you but I can't tell you straight in the face. I don't want you to say I am purposely trying to pick a fight with you. You know I love you but I'm still upset at you for being too insensitive too many times.